The Yaxorcist
by Octoberguy90
Summary: An Animaniacs parody of the Daffy Duck cartoon, "The Duxorcist".


It is a cloudy evening in the meadows on the outskirts of Burbank and Minerva Mink's house is seen. Inside her house, in the living room, the television shows Yakko Warner doing some sort of advertisement.

**Yakko:** So folks, call Yakko Warner; paranormalist at large. (the words "Spooks Spooked" appears on the screen) Spooks Spooked, (the words "Goblins Gobbled" appears on the screen) Goblins Gobbled, (the words "U.F.O.s K.O.'d" appears on the screen) U.F.O.s K.O.'d, (the words "Aliens Alienated" appears on the screen) Aliens Alienated, (the words "Vampires Evaporated" appears on the screen) Vampires Evaporated, (and the words "Monsters Remonstrated" appears on the screen) and Monsters Remonstrated.

The scene zooms out, revealing Minerva Mink, in her usual robe, standing in the middle of the living room watching the commercial.

**Yakko: **Just call... (the phone number appears on the screen) 555-9269. Remember: that's the same as dialing... (the same number appears on the screen but with the last 4-digit number replaced with the word "ZANY") 555-ZANY.

The commercial ends and Minerva picks up the phone from the stand and she begins dialing the number. As she was dialing the number, for a brief moment, she morphs into a demonic mink with lilac fur, dark green frizzy hair and tail, yellow eyes, a dark pink nose, and sharp teeth. She reverts back to her normal self and she resumes dialing.

At Yakko's paranormalist office, Yakko answers the phone.

**Yakko:** Yakko Warner; anything for a quarter.

**Minerva:** (on the phone) Mr. Warner, I seem to be having trouble with my kitchen appliances.

**Yakko:** Umm, this isn't no electrician's, ma'am.

**Minerva:** Well, it isn't quite that kind of trouble. Your ad says "Paranormal Expert" and-

**Yakko:** Oh, I get it; monsters in the microwave, bats in the blender, that sort of thing. No problem. Just slip into something out of this world, and I'll be right over.

Later, a van pulls up at Minerva's house that reads: "YAKKO WARNER PARANORMALIST EXORCISM DAILY". The top of the van has an animatronic Yakko with a mallet, whacking a model rubber ghost. Yakko steps out of the van wearing a brown fedora and carrying a briefcase. He walks up to Minerva's doorstep and he rings the doorbell.

**Yakko:** A damsel in distress... In this woodsy environment.

Minerva—now wearing a red evening gown—opened the door and Yakko enters.

**Yakko:** (scouts through the house) OK, so where's the fire?

In the kitchen, Yakko interacts with the oven.

**Yakko: **It's in the oven I presume. (opens the oven door) Whoops! My mistake.

Inside the oven is an arctic landscape with an eskimo going ice fishing, an igloo, and a polar bear. Yakko closes the oven door.

**Yakko: **Nothing a little oozy-off couldn't fix.

Yakko interacts with the refrigerator. He opens the fridge door and fire blazes out. He closes the fridge door and he rests his back against it.

**Yakko:** Hmm, must be the frost-free kind. (fans himself) Whew! (grabs his briefcase) I can use some liquid refreshment.

Yakko walks up to the sink, looking for a glass.

**Yakko:** (calls out to Minerva) Say, lady, where do you keep your glasses?

**Minerva:** (offscreen) They're in the cupboard.

Yakko opens the cupboard doors and it reveals a realistic scene of an approaching express train sounding its horn. He becomes surprised as his hat flips and he immediately closes the cupboard doors right before the train made its way out of the cupboard.

**Yakko:** Hmm. It's getting a little crowded in here.

Yakko looks and sees Minerva looking into the kitchen. An iris-out shot focuses on her from head to toe and back to head. Yakko becomes infatuated by her charming appearance, grasping on the brims of his hat in that manner with hearts in his eyes. He takes off his hat and he approaches her.

**Yakko:** (escorts Minerva into the living room) What say we mosey on into some place cozy and talk things over.

In the living room, Minerva and Yakko are sitting on the couch with the floor lamp next to it lit.

**Yakko:** So, uh, you have these tupperware parties often?

Minerva giggles at Yakko's humorous question and unbeknownst to Yakko, who has his eyes closed while grinning, she morphs into her demonic appearance with a roar and then she reverts back to her normal self coughing a bit.

**Minerva: **(joyfully) Oh, Yakko, you're so witty!

Minerva morphs into her demonic appearance again just when Yakko had faced the other way.

**Yakko:** Yes, I am witty at that. How very perceptive of you to notice. (faces back at Minerva just when she had reverted back to her normal self again)

**Minerva:** Oh, Yakko, I'm so scared. And it's so comforting to have a short, dark, handsome, (satanic voice) **DOG-LIKE CREATURE!** (normal voice) ...like you to protect me. (puts her hands underneath Yakko's face) You will help me, won't you?

**Yakko:** Sure, sweetums. It's in the bag.

Suddenly, the window in the background behind Yakko flew open by itself and the curtains are being billowed from the whistling wind. Yakko frowns and he turns around to check out the situation but the window had already shut itself. He turns to the audience with a suspicious look on his face, cupping his chin with his hand, and then he faces back at Minerva.

**Yakko:** Well, with a little cooperation and the proper setting, we could hold hands and have a séance.

Minerva passionately draws her body close to Yakko as he walks his two fingers on top of the couch, reaching for the lamp cord.

**Yakko:** (to the audience) Handy things, these séances.

Yakko turned off the lamp and he smooches Minerva on the lips. Minerva becomes stiff from the kiss with a silly grin on her face and her entire body does like an electrical spark effect. Her head starts rotating at 90 degrees in each direction and then her head spins out of control and stops. Then she begins to float straight up into the air while still in a sit-down position as Yakko looks up at her.

**Yakko:** Gosh. (looks at the audience) I don't know my own strength. (looks back up at Minerva / holding both arms out) Come on down to papa, baby.

Minerva drops down into Yakko's arms and she puts her hands around the back of his neck, looking at him with puppy eyes.

**Minerva:** (perkily / baby talk) Ohh! Big, stwong, Yakky-Wakky gonna pwotect wittle itty-bitty me?!

**Yakko:** (to the audience / aside) I think this dame must be schizophrenic.

Minerva bolts in mid-air with a squealy shriek and she quickly morphs into her demonic appearance and back to her normal self uttering a ghost-like operatic tone as she leans back with her arms up and sticking her left leg in the air and doing little twirly dance, then she quickly morphs into her demonic appearance again and back to her normal self floating in a lie-down position facing upward.

**Minerva:** (Pig Latin / gruffy demonic voice) Ou-yay upid-stay erk-jay! (You stupid jerk!)

**Yakko:** (to the audience) And I thought French was the romantic language.

**Minerva:** (high voice) Mary had a little lamb- (morphs into her demonic appearance) **BUT I ATE IT!**

Minerva reverts back to her normal self and she went into a deep sleep. Yakko zooms off to the other side and he came back with his briefcase and wearing a pair of glasses and a fake beard. He grabs Minerva and he places her on the couch, but she floated back up anyways. He sits on his briefcase and he takes out a notepad and a pencil, impersonating Dr. Sigmund Freud—or in this case, Dr. Scratchansniff.

**Yakko:** (to Minerva / German accent) So, uh, tell me, mein fraulein, ven did you shtart hearing these voices?

Minerva had morphed into her demonic appearance, floating in a position like she's posing for a painting looking down at Yakko with an evil smile.

**Yakko:** (German accent) Vas it something in your childhood, perhaps? Buried deep in your subconscious mind? Search your memory.

The demonic Minerva breathes fire on Yakko and then she stops. Yakko had gotten singed a bit.

**Yakko:** (German accent / wagging a finger at Minerva) You're blocking.

As the scene focuses on Yakko, the sounds of various clamors coming from Minerva are heard.

**Yakko:** (to the audience) This is a little over my head. (takes out a book and presents it to the audience) Here we are: "How to Exorcise". Just the ticket. If this doesn't get her, nothing will.

Yakko opens the book and he gets up off his briefcase. Minerva had reverted back to her normal self and back into her sleeping state.

**Yakko: **(squatting down and up and lifting his right leg up and down) One and two and three and four. A one and two and three and four. (lifts up both of his legs and falls on the floor) Whoops! (looks at the book closely and shows it to the audience) My error.

The title of the book says "How to Exercise by Jane Fonda", and the cover depicts Jane Fonda, in workout clothing, exercising.

**Yakko:** (takes out another book from his briefcase and shows it to the audience) Ah, here it is, the real McCoy.

The book has the correct title, "How to Exorcise by Dr. McCoy", and the cover depicts Dr. McCoy motioning his hands. Yakko opened the book.

**Yakko:** (reading) "Of utmost importance in the exorcism of spirits is to keep them amused." (to the audience) Keep them amused, huh? I'll slay 'em.

Yakko gets up off the floor and he looks up at Minerva, who is still in her sleeping state.

**Yakko: **A guy came up to me on the street; said he hadn't had a bite in weeks. So, I bit him.

Minerva spins around rapidly rotary drum-style, then she stops and she quickly bends her upper body and legs upward and a short, white, humanoid ghost wearing a dark brown derby pops out from under her dress and lands on the floor on his belly. The ghost sits up and he looks at the audience with a confused look on his face as he blinks twice.

**Yakko:** (to the ghost) Howdy, stranger. Just flew in from another world, huh? I'll bet your arms are tired.

Minerva swings her upper body towards the front and her lower body towards the back with her right leg dangling and she rests her head on her folded arms. Another humanoid ghost wearing a derby pops out, from her cleavage, and lands on the floor next to the first one. They both look at each other with confusion and the first ghost shrugs.

**Yakko:** Hmm. (to the audience) They don't seem all that amused. Maybe it's a culture gap, I'll try something a little closer to home. (to the two ghosts) Did you hear the one about the girl who didn't pay her exorcist bill? Her soul got repossessed.

Minerva does an acrobatic tumble and a third humanoid ghost wearing a derby pops out, also from her cleavage, and lands on the floor on his back next to the other two ghosts. Minerva floats gently down onto the couch; her right arm topples on the floor after that.

**Minerva:** (awakening / mystified) What? Who? Huh? (happily) I feel like my old self again!

The three ghosts in the background are huddling, coming up with some sort of plan.

**Yakko:** (to Minerva) Nothing to it, really. For one of my sophisticated wit.

Yakko puts on his hat and he looks in the exorcist book.

**Yakko:** (shocked) Uh-oh!

There is a warning on a page that says: "Note: DANGER! Be sure departing spirits do not enter waiting body of exorcist." The three ghosts begin sneaking up behind Yakko with cunning looks on their faces. They all dove inside Yakko's body, causing him to fall on the floor. He feels the ghosts tampering inside his body and he pounds his fists on the floor in a fit of laughter.

**Yakko:** (gets up off the floor) That tickles!

Minerva zooms up to Yakko and she held him horizontally.

**Minerva:** (happily) Oh, my hero!

Minerva smooches Yakko on the lips which causes him to shoot straight up into the air like a rocket. He stops in mid-air, having a silly look on his face with his tongue sticking out and his body begins twisting around and spinning out of control. He falls down on the floor on his chin and he instantly jumps up, screaming like crazy and he zooms straight for the door causing the ghosts to escape from his body and they all ran after him. The ghosts zoomed through the door which has a hole in the shape of Yakko's body that he made after he had ran. Minerva walks up to the door and opens it.

**Minerva:** (calls out to Yakko) Come back again sometime, ya hear?!

Yakko laughs insanely as the ghosts chase him down the road leading back to Burbank during dusk and still cloudy.


End file.
